Friends with Losers
by lostlikeme
Summary: Your name is DIB MEMBRANE and you are currently trying to SAVE THE ENTIRE WORLD by helping an alien invader defeat a cherub in an ONLINE VIDEO GAME. Luckily, you and Zim have more than enough volunteers to build your army and ensure victory. A Homestuck styled Alternate Universe fic, in which a bunch of kids play a game, work in awkward pairs, almost kiss, and save the world.
1. Be DIB MEMBRANE

Your name is DIB MEMBRANE, and today is your THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAY. You are not dressed for the occasion because your birthday has never been important, choosing merely to wear your same old UNSMILING GRAY T-SHIRT and DARK BLACK TRENCH COAT.

Unlike other teenagers, you are not stuffing your face with DELICIOUS BAKED GOODS. No, you are currently in the process of RESISTING SLEEP. You have to stay awake in order to spy on your NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR, who, unfortunately for you, is not an attractive female about to undress before your very eyes, but rather, an ALIEN LIFE FORM from the planet IRK.

Equally unfortunate are your INTERESTS, most of which relate to THE PARANORMAL in some way, and are not at all shared by your PEERS. In particular, you enjoy MYSTERIOUS MYSTERIES, a television show that caters to your taste in the STRANGE and UNKNOWN. You also like to go up on your roof and use your TELESCOPE to search out the sky for any UNUSUAL ACTIVITY, especially ALIEN INVADERS.

You have a PASSION for UNCOVERING THE TRUTH, and you will shine light onto the enigmas of the world at ANY COST. Most people have called you INSANE ever since you told them you spotted BIGFOOT in your garage using the BELT SANDER when you were NINE YEARS OLD. That's okay with you, because they called all of the GREAT VISIONARIES crazy, and this is just a sign that you are on your way to BEING ONE OF THEM.

The list of exceptions to the people who think you aren't crazy is VERY SHORT. To be more precise, the list contains your three closest and only friends. You enjoy chatting with them even though sometimes they say things like, HEY, MAYBE YOU ARE CRAZY. You've been trying out a new chat client called PESTERCHUM, and so far you're not exactly crazy about it yourself, no pun intended. Your chumhandle is **agentMothman** for NOSTALGIC REASONS and you type in a manner that is both **excited!** and **espeiallyrushed** , because you are very enthusiastic about your INTERESTS and sometimes when you get extremely overzealous you even need to use capslock for **EMPHASIS**.

In the near future you will play a game with your three friends, in order to save PLANET EARTH from its IMMINENT DEMISE. This game, for convenient reference, DOES NOT YET EXIST.

But it will soon. What will you do?

 **===Dib: Sneak up on the unsuspecting alien.**


	2. Dib: Sneak up on the unsuspecting alien

You attempt to sneak up on the unsuspecting alien and expose him as the megalomaniac trash that he is, but your new shoes are too loud on the rooftop and the alien's antennae are far too sensitive to noise and vibrations. His house's defense system is alerted and it sends you flying onto his front lawn, where he opens his door to mock you as his army of garden gnomes carry you to the pavement where they throw you unceremoniously. You dust off your trench coat and give the Irken a menacing look.

 **DIB:** ill be back, you just wait and see!

 **ZIM:** I WILL SEE NOTHING DIB HUMAN! MY EYES WILL BE FOREVER CLOSED TO YOUR VICTORY.

After an almost successful scheme like that, you're itching to tell someone. Zim has been up to no good lately, perhaps even less good than usual, and this time you're worried that whatever plot he's hatching might actually develop to fruition. Luckily, one of your friends is already online. Unfortunately for you, she isn't the most easily convinced of your small circle. It'll have to do.

 **===Dib: Pester friend.**


	3. Dib: Pester friend

**\- agentMothman [AM]** **began pestering** **piningPataki [PP] -**

 **AM:** i almost exposed zim to the world!

 **AM:** i was THIS CLOSE to exposing him for the alien tha theis!

 **AM:** i can see that you're online you know

 **PP:** Criminy kid, you're gonna give yourself a aneurysm

 **AM:** we're the same age!

 **AM:** and thats besides the point

 **PP:** Just what the hell are you goin on about now?

 **AM:** i almost caugh tzim!

 **PP:** Yeah right

 **PP:** And Arnold _almost_ wrote me a love letter confessing his tender feelings to me at last

 **AM:** im being serious right now

 **PP:** Whatever freakshow

 **PP:** Look, I don't got time for you blathering your scifi bullshit at me

 **PP:** I'm busy, so shove off

 **AM:** what could be more important than the fate of the world!

 **PP:** For your information, I'm tryin to compose a love poem here

 **AM:** gee thanks for the support

 **AM:** i'll be sure to remember this when i'm saving your life

 **AM:** when i'm savign the entire planet!

 **PP:** Yeah yeah

 **AM:** no thank sto you!

 **PP:** I'll be sure to remember you next time I visit the toilet

 **PP:** The scent will remind me a all the bullshit you're shovellin my way

 **PP:** Now get lost loser I've got bigger fish to fry

 **piningPataki [PP]** **ceased pestering** **agentMothman [AM]**

You're not sure what you expected from a conversation with her. piningPataki is always ornery and discontent with everything in life. The exception to the rule is a boy that attends her school by the name of Arnold, a boy she never shuts up about. She doesn't have much of an interest in your life and you aren't particularly interested in hers, but you both pretend to care on the rare occasion that no one else is around to talk to.

Oh great. You wonder just what the hell this asshole wants, and how he even got ahold of your chumhandle in the first place. You are also fairly certain that he doesn't grasp the concept of creating a chumhandle at all.

 **===Dib: Answer Alien.**


	4. Dib: Answer Alien

**invaderZim [IZ]** **began invading** **agentMothman [AM]**

 **IZ:** MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

 **AM:** wow zim

 **IZ:** MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 **AM:** if this is all you came here to do i'm blocking you

 **IZ:** MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 **AM:** yeah i'm gonna block you now

 **IZ:** MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 **IZ:** NO WAIT.

 **IZ:** ZIM COMMANDS YOU TO WAIT.

 **agentMothman [AM]** **has blocked** **invaderZim [IZ]**

You've had it up to here with being mocked, and you definitely aren't going to sit idly by and let an alien laugh at you through a chat client. You get enough of that in real life, at Hi-Skool. You decide to examine the posters, newspaper clippings, and other various forms of PARANORMAL PARAPHERNALIA pinned to your wall.

 **===Dib: Examine posters.**


	5. Dib: Examine posters

You cannot examine the posters and other various forms of paranormal paraphernalia because you are too exhausted to do so.

 **===Dib: Be the alien instead.**


End file.
